For a generation, the Muppets have entertained us (though not quite as much as TV’s sluttiest high school girls). They made us fall in love with characters who have ping pong ball eyes, wires working their arms…and a stranger fisting them. But for all that wholesome entertainment, there were some that should have warped us. It’s a wonder they didn’t. Here are The 10 Muppets That Should Have Warped Us The Most As Children. Enjoy…
10. Prof. Bunsen Honeydew (& Beaker)
A cheery, yet sadistic boss and his underpaid assistant/unwilling guinea pig. Bunsen loved to twist science and bend the laws of physics for seemingly one reason: To torture Beaker.
A boss that collects a huge (grant) check and makes your life miserable? Glad nothing like that exists in the real world!
Why it should have warped us: It was an eerie look into our future in the job market.
9. Crazy Harry
Crazy Harry had scruffy hair, an uncombed beard and huge, crazed, baggy eyes. He usually carried a plunger box which would activate a hidden charge, often while cackling madly. We loved every appearance he made, and couldn’t wait to see who was going to get blown up.
Why it should have warped us: Terrorists are a wacky, fun bunch!
8. Animal
Animal loved to do two things: Savagely beat a drumset like a pimp on a pregnant belly, and force himself on fleeing, screaming women.
There’s a reason Animal was always seen in manacles and chains, and yet we never questioned it.
Why it should have warped us: No means no. Isn’t rape hilarious, kids? And that Ritalin is prescribed to you for a reason. Take it already.
7. Gonzo
Much like Hef and his girls next door, Gonzo was always accompanied with a small harem of his ‘goregous’ gals, whom he romanced as only a pure gentleman could. He was always seen going on dates to fine restaurants, buying them flowers, writing poems…
You know, there’s no why to dress it up. Dude f*cked chickens. A lot. He was a chickenf*cker.
Why it should have warped us: That’s beastiality, kids. And yet, we seemed cool with it. Do you ever wonder whether if hillbillies shot themselves out of cannons more, we wouldn’t judge THEM so harshly?
6. Zoot, Sgt. Floyd Pepper, and Janice – members of the psychedelic band ‘The Electric Mayhem’
Despite clever in-jokes that flew over our heads at that age about Floyd and Zoot both ‘dating’ Janice, these three were usually so stoned out of their felt minds that it was a wonder their ping-pong eyes weren’t bloodshot. That’s probably why they weren’t made with any. It was a running joke at the end of every opening theme song to have Zoot look amazed that he could play his instrument.
Why it should have warped us: Just say…No?…kids?…
5. Statler and Waldorf
The two old guys who hung out in the balcony, hurling insults and critiquing every act. Pre-dating the Internet chat room trolls, Starbucks’ lobby hipsters, and stand-up comedy hecklers, these two fossils were old school asses.
Up in the safe confines of their balcony, they would deliver soul-crushing lines and hurl insults designed to ruin everything the performer on stage worked hard for. But if the show was so awful, why did they keep coming back?
Why it should have warped us: Because you not only have to watch out for jerks your own age, now the elderly are after you.
4. Kermit and Miss Piggy
It should have been a wonderful message of love – even if you’re skinny, have less muscle than a three-year coma patient, and look like a frog (or you’re a fat bitch), there’s someone for you. But something wacky always happened to kill that message, just as it was sinking into your brainpan.
Usually, it was at breakfast when you were on your second helping of bacon and realize that to Kermit, you’re as bad as Kevin Spacey in Se7en and Hannibal Lecter.
Why it should have warped us: Don’t ask a fat chick out, she’ll kick your ass with karate.
3. Swedish Chef
A parody of television chefs, the show would always begin with him in a spotless kitchen, waving some utensils while singing his signature song ending in “Bork, bork, bork!” As the Chef gets into the dish he’s preparing, more and more tools and ingredients are introduced – most of which have nothing to do with cooking – until disaster hits inevitably leaving the chef injured and covered in a huge mess.
Why it should have warped us: Stay away from that new foreign restaurant. Foreigners are filthy, and cook with shotguns
2. Rowlf
Loves to play the piano. He also loves his beer. Rowlf is always warm, friendly, and welcoming. He wants you to pull up a stool, have a brewskie with him, and tell him your problems while he taps out soothing background music. Rowlf always has the right answer, a witty remark, and a folksy, homespun story to cheer you up with.
Rowlf is exactly the kind of bar patron we want to be.
Why it should have warped us: All alcoholics are friendly, folksy and approachable. They never showed Rowlf three hours later, when he cracked a pool cue over that guy’s head for eyeballing his girlfriend he forgot wasn’t there, before staggering out back, vomiting, and passing out against the dumpster he just urinated on. You know, just like Dad and Uncle Joe!
1. Oscar the Grouch
Oscar loves his trash, and although he acts gruff and mean-spirited, in reality it’s just a defense mechanism to keep you from hurting his heart.
If you took the time, you’d discover that he may be homeless, but Oscar has enough room in his heart for the whole world.
Why it should have warped us: Oooh! Look! That guy’s living in a trash can just like Oscar! Let’s go over and see if he’ll read us a story!
This list was written by Jeramy Neugin, who claims that women who have sex with him tend to lose weight and see rainbows when he climaxes.
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