Going down the list of famous TV lotharios and sex goddesses, we could only think: Gross! Why are so many supposedly attractive television characters actually sort of disgusting? According to overpaid Hollywood writers, these folks snag loads of tail, but in real life they’d trigger your gag reflex. And not in a good way. Try to keep your breakfast down while reading our list of the 12 Grossest TV Characters Who Get Laid Constantly.
12. Fonzie
Is the shortest guy from the Fifties really that attractive to women? Sure, the jukebox trick is neat, and he’s great on water skis, but what is it about this leather-wrapped midget that prompts women to doff their clothes at a snap of The Fonz’s stubby, middle-aged fingers? Maybe it’s his fashion-forward hairstyle– by the later years of Happy Days, his hair had gone from ducktailed greaser to blowdried car salesman. Ayyy.
11. Samantha Jones
Most guys fantasize about women who can’t get enough lovin’. Most guys would also freak out if they actually dated those women. Would you actually have sex with Sex And The City’s Samantha, a woman who speaks in nothing but man-voiced innuendo and double entendre? That would get old real quick. And if you try to change the subject with an innocent “Hey, why don’t we cool our jets and enjoy these hors d’oeuvres?” or “Did you see Jon & Kate Plus Eight last night?”, she’d go off on some tirade about how it’s okay for men to talk dirty, but not women, or how she’s a mature, powerful woman who knows what she wants, and what she wants is to give a good bj, and then she’d storm out. Not worth the hassle. You’d have better luck with a high-priced prostitute. At least they’re only pretending to like sex. And they’d dress pretty much the same.
10. Jack Donaghy
Great hair. Stunning eyes. Sultry voice. Fat as a walrus. Nobody this tubby deserves Salma Hayek. Edie Falco, sure. America has established that we are comfortable watching Edie Falco writhe underneath the tremendous guts of fat guys. (She’s finally getting some 34-waisted action over on Nurse Jackie.) But not Salma Hayek. A man of Jack’s stature could buy some Romanian model ass, sure. But Salma Hayek actually being attracted to a gym-sized binge eater with mommy issues? We say no. STOP MAKING US TURN AWAY IN DISGUST, 30 ROCK!
9. Flo Castleberry
Really? Flo is the Alice waitress who gets the most action? Isn’t she the least attractive of the three? Sure, Vera would apologize and cry during sex, and Alice would be worried about Tommy the whole time, but come on, Flo? Flo is the whore of Mel’s Diner, which is basically a truck stop, which makes Flo a truck stop whore. Mel probably has fewer STDs.
8. Frasier Crane
Frasier Crane takes his shirt off more than Matthew McConaughey. Sure, Kelsey Grammer is in pretty good shape for a bloated sixty-year-old man, but trust us, nobody deserves to see Grammer-nipples or Dr. Crane’s back hair. It seems as if every episode of Frasier features some bedroom farce sexcapades between Frasier and one of the cougar-tastic guest stars who paraded through the show. Most of the women were fairly age-appropriate (for TV, at least), but still, balding pretentious windbag pudgeball sleeps with Amy Brenneman? We’d rather read Frasier/Niles slash fiction.
7. Hawkeye Pierce
War makes people do horrible things. I guess that’s why so many nurses did this gin-soaked gasbag.
6. Christian Troy
Nip/Tuck’s self-tanned, blinding-toothed, hair-plugged, increasingly doughy slimeball is supposedly laying everything that moves, whether the show is set in Miami or Hollywood or the future or wherever the hell they are now. Most of Christian’s one-nighters end with a stabbing or a stalking or someone cutting their vagina out or some other creepy, unbelievable over-the-top-ness. If we had slept with this many crazy women, we would just give up. And not to confuse actor and role, but worst. Dr. Doom. Ever.
5. Ally McBeal
Ally sure dated lots of men for someone who’s– you know, we’re not going to make fun of her looks. It’s as unfair to make fun of women for being too thin as it is to mock them for being too fat, or too duck-faced. So we’ll just say this b*tch is crazy and leave it at that.
4. Hank Moody
Okay, women love David Duchovny. Maybe it’s the sleepy-eyed puppy dog thing, maybe it’s the sexual addiction. Still, Duchovny is a TV star. His Californication charachter Hank Moody is a neurotic loser writer. A writer! A writer who can supposedly bag any chick he fake-TV-flirts with, then, as a palate cleanser, boff his hot, estranged wife. The only people who believe a writer could attract this many hot women are other writers. Mostly just the writers of Californication. Keep dreaming, writers of Californication.
3. Elliott DiMauro
Moon-faced. Bad beard. Bald. Wears silly hats. AND SLEEPS WITH MODELS! We call bullsh*t, TV. There is no way any creepily unattractive star of Just Shoot Me would ever sleep with that many hot women. Okay, maybe George Segal.
2. Blanche Devereaux
Blanche is the youngest of The Golden Girls, and the most sexually active. This is nothing against Rue McClanahan, who is a handsome, charming woman, in the manner of one’s favorite, fake-accented aunt. But unbelievably, Blanche is supposed to be the hottest pu**y in Miami. Granted, she only dates a series of paunchy character actors twenty years her senior. But this is Miami! Any fat old guy with enough money to buy an evening’s worth of cocaine can score all the boob-jobbed beach floozies he wants. Blanche has to be pretty far down any dude’s list of go-to Miami hussies.
1. Jerry Seinfeld
Seinfeld made out with a different hot chick in every episode, despite his horse-facedness, his terrible fashion sense, his OCD, and his Superman fixation. We can understand women’s attraction to the actual Jerry Seinfeld, who has more money than actually exists. Not so much for one-bedroom-apartment-dwelling fictional Jerry, who would probably be kicked to the curb after his forty-first “So what’s the deal with [hack premise]?” of the night. The phrase “This is just like an episode of Seinfeld!” should actually mean, “I’m dating completely out of my league!”
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