David Letterman issued an apology to Sarah Palin yesterday, a sincere one, not like the hilarious eff-you one from last week. Still, planned anti-Letterman protests continue to take place, and it seems many from Team Palin are not yet satisfied. As a matter of fact, they are demanding even more apologies from the Late Night host. For details, we contacted a spokesman for the easily offended, and were provided with this list of The Top Ten People David Letterman Should Have Apologized To Before Sarah Palin.
10. Larry “Bud” Melman
One of the original targets of Letterman’s nation-destroying irony and humor. Does anyone doubt that Letterman’s mockery of Melman’s oddball looks, awkward demeanor and general broadcasting incompetence were actually aimed at 14-year-old Willow Palin? Don’t be so naive, America!
9. Cher
Cher is a true feminist hero, one of the first women brave enough to stand up to Letterman’s sexism and call him an “a**hole”. Then she continued to blaze new trails for women’s rights with nonstop cosmetic surgery, the dating of hair metal stars, and crotchless leather. Rape Night With Rape-vid Raperman may be a showcase for the host’s unbridled hatred of 14-year-old Willow Palin, but not for long– not if more people follow the patriotic example of Cher.
8. Richard Simmons
Why does David Letterman want America to be fat? His vicious steamer attack against skinny-America lover Richard Simmons nearly resulted in Simmons’ fiery death, and now 95 percent of Americans are obese. Thanks a lot, Dave. Also, the explosion was actually intended for 14-year-old Willow Palin.
7. Crispin Glover
David Letterman owes actor Crispin Glover an apology for walking off their infamous 1987 interview, merely because Glover almost kicked Letterman in the head with gigantic platform shoes. At the time, the Letterman camp spun it as the deranged act of an insane, bell-bottomed, wig-wearing mental-handicap fetishist. Now we know that Crispin Glover was actually striking a blow for freedom, country, and 14-year-old Willow Palin. Sic semper tyrannis!
6. John McCain
We now know that John McCain was right to blow off his appearance on Letterman’s show, since guesting on Late Night is an obvious signal to Al-Qaeda that America spits on decency and women and is primed for invasion. How did David Molesterman respond to McCain’s heroic ditching? With his typical angry jokes and tantrums. John McCain was held as a POW by the Vietnamese. America is being held as a cultural POW by David Letterman. Which is worse? We’ll tell you this– the Vietnamese never tried to be funny. And they never attacked 14-year-old Willow Palin.
5. Joaquin Phoenix
If we were going to appear on Letterman’s show, we would also grow a thick beard to protect our faces from the host’s perverse and sexist spittle. When Letterman attacked Phoenix for his mumbling and gum chewing, we all knew it was 14-year-old Willow Palin he actually had in his sights. Ruthlessly berating a 14-year-old girl for chewing gum? Letterman’s fascism knows no bounds. Apologies demanded!
4. The Number 10
Letterman’s Top 10 List: Enduring comedy staple, or a handy way to make sure David Pervert-man has filled his stated quota of at least 10 insults to liberty and women per show. Letterman has soiled the number 10 forever with his depraved sexual limericks. And by 10, we all know he means 14, as in 14-year-old Willow Palin. 
3. The Pets Of Stupid Pet Tricks
You can see the condescension right there in the title. David Leftwingerman thinks animals are “stupid,” but will still exploit them for ratings. Who hates animals? Serial killers and rapists, that’s who. And of course, he’s not fooling anyone– if David Misogynistman says something is “stupid” and turns “tricks”, he’s referring to 14-year-old Willow Palin. Filth!
2. Comedy As We Know It
Oh sure, maybe Letterman defined humor for the last thirty years. Granted, he popularized irony, changing the very definition of what America thinks of as a joke. Yes, his found comedy, modern snark, and mockery of celebrity vapidity seems years ahead of its time. And sure, he took our shared pop culture, viewed it through a prism of sarcasm and intelligence, and gave the country our comedic touchstones for a brand new national sense of humor. But now we know it was all done just so he could make a fratty rape joke at the expense of 14-year-old Willow Palin. Pervert! 
1. Battle Cat/Cringer
As far as we can tell, in his nearly thirty years of late night hosting, Letterman has never once mentioned Masters Of The Universe star Battle Cat or his meeker alter ego, Cringer. It doesn’t take a diploma from a sleazy Hollywood comedy school, however, to realize that his non-existent attacks on Battle Cat were actually “gags” about statutory rape and 14-year-old Willow Palin. Once David Raperraperman sincerely apologizes to Battle Cat and the Palins, and he has been fired from CBS, and NewsBusted has been installed in Late Night’s place, then the healing, and the comedy, can truly begin.
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