HBO has reportedly banned Artie Lange for life for ruining the premiere of “Joe Buck Live” with a hilarious, profane, and decidedly un-pc hijacking. You know what, HBO? That show was already ruined. You ruined it by making it. The only reason anybody even knows “Joe Buck” aired instead of “Fat People Have Weird Sex XIII” is because of Artie Lange. Now Artie himself is reporting that Conan has banned him from appearing on “The Tonight Show.” Conan, no! Look at what’s getting press for you so far: Shatner flips you off, Norm MacDonald battles you through a set of promos, Triumph mocks hippies. You need conflict! And Artie is much fatter and bird-flippier than Shatner. And Artie makes Norm MacDonald look like Dr. Drew. Artie as Conan’s Ed McMahon would make for a greatly enhanced Tonight. Matter of fact, there aren’t many shows Artie couldn’t make better. Why, we’ve even come up with a list of The 10 TV Shows That Should Hire Artie Lange Immediately. You’re welcome, television.
10. The View
The only time anybody cares about The View is when a fight breaks out. You know what Artie Lange does? He goes around starting fights! Picture unshaven, pale Artie permanently snuggled on the couch between Joy Behar and Sherri Shepherd, visible stink lines rising from his unshowered mass. Already hilarious! And Artie could sleep most of the time, just as long as he wakes up occasionally to say something profane to Elisabeth Hasselbeck. It’s probably been a long time since Hasselbeck was called a c*nt. I mean, to her face.
9. Saturday Night Live
Artie has sketch experience, he’s hilarious, and his devil-may-care ‘tude would– oh, who are we kidding. We just want more stories about Artie dressed in an animal costume and snorting drugs. You could put him on Yo Gabba Gabba for all we care. We just want to read about it in his next book. Call us enablers if you like. We prefer to think of it as encouraging ourselves to read.
8. Glee
There’s no better case study for Glee’s singing children than Artie. Sometimes, singing children, you can realize your potential, be true to yourself, and have all your dreams come true, and still wind up a drug-addicted, self-loathing basket case. Put Artie on the faculty so these kids can see what lies in store for them even if they do “make it.” Also, let him sing Whitesnake or something. That’d be awesome.
7. Grey’s Anatomy
Artie doesn’t have to portray a doctor. We don’t have to stretch believability. Artie could be a patient, undergoing a season’s worth of life-saving operations. Utterly believable. Just have him come out from under anesthesia long enough to grouse about “whiny broads” and “duck-faced b*tches” every once in a while. Come on, Grey’s, you had Isaiah Washington on, and he’s not even a funny homophobe.
6. America’s Next Top Model
Speaking of funny homophobia, what could be more heartwarming than seeing Artie learn a lesson in tolerance from J. Alexander and Jay Manuel? This could happen weekly if you put Artie in as the ANTM judge. Sure, Tyra fired Paulina Porizkova because of budget restraints, but we’re sure something could be worked out money-wise. Just throw Artie every third girl voted out or something.
5. Celebrity Rehab
Is there a bigger “get” for Celebrity Rehab than Artie? Maybe Amy Winehouse, but how long could you watch a TV show that regularly featured close-ups of Amy Winehouse? Are we saying that Artie Lange is more attractive than Amy Winehouse? Yes.
4. Rock of Love
Instead of a washed-up pop star flirting with some wannabe hos, just film Artie negotiating with a gaggle of his favorite prostitutes. Actual hos! Reality TV needs more reality. And Artie. And prostitutes.
3. Two And A Half Men
You know how much money Charlie Sheen makes? 10 billion an episode. Oh, and get it? Sheen’s supposed to be a bad influence on the kid, because he tee-hee loves strippers and lives a wild life in reality. FAKE! We want a real bad influence on the Half Man. Is there anyone who could be a worse influence on a kid than Artie? Maybe Ahmadenijad. But Artie is a lot funnier. And, presumably, believes the Holocaust occurred.
2. Jon & Kate Plus Eight
We suspect what Kate Gosselin needs to make her more pleasant is a good Artie-f*cking. Is that sexist? Sorry. Honestly, a good Artie-f*cking would probably help Jon out, too. The show’s already a schadenfreude-fest trainwreck. We just need a healthy dose of drug addiction and crippling obesity to make the picture complete. Artie’ll goose ratings much more quickly than a divorce.
1. Mad Men
This may be the best fit, because Artie obviously needs a show in which he’s allowed to smoke. Besides, you don’t hear “broad” used to describe a woman many places these days, outside of Mad Men and Stern. Artie’s fit right in. Get your tux ready, Artie– it’s Emmy time!
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