It is truly breathtaking, in this splintered digital age, when we come together as a nation, as we did recently, to mourn a shared, heartbreaking loss. We’re talking, of course, about last week’s announcement that the marriage of Jon & Kate Plus Eight’s Jon and Kate Gosselin’s marriage was over. (Other headlines that day: “Heat Is Hot”, “Stuff Is Obvious”.) Their divorce may have seemed sudden if you, like us, only found out they existed two months ago. We’re assured they’ve hated each other for years now. (Jon is already on Match.com.) But let’s not judge. Sometimes, divorce is the best thing for a couple. Maybe not a couple with fourteen children, but still. There are many TV couples who might actually be better off if they went their separate ways. Please enjoy our list of 11 TV Couples Who Should Divorce Immediately. And remember: the birth of children always leads to divorce.
11. Three’s Company’s Stanley and Helen Roper
Many bickering TV couples possess an underlying love and mutual respect that binds them together and endears them to audiences– Marge and Homer, Raymond and Debra, even Peg and Al. Not so much with The Ropers. Trapped in a sexless marriage and crammed into a tiny Santa Monica apartment that smells like nail polish and Norman Fell’s socks, there is nothing good about the Ropers’ life. Hey, they gave it a shot, but if your marriage still sucks after your spin-off, maybe it’s time to pack it in.
10. Lost’s Bernard and Rose
Because if you were miraculously cured of cancer by a magical island, would you want to spend your second-chance days with a fat-assed know-it-all like Bernard? Come on, Rose. All those shirtless, uncommunicative guys on the island? One of ‘em has to be into black chicks.
9. Dharma And Greg
Greg can handle Dharma’s impetuousness, her free spirit, her bare feet. You know what Greg can’t handle? Scientology. Lawyer call time!
8. Big Love’s Bill and Barbara Henrickson and Nicolette Grant and Margene Heffman
Seriously, come on. Overkill. We know Bill is some kind of weird Mormon-but-not-a-Mormon religious guy who thinks he needs more than one wife. Bill, this is easy: Just say God spoke to you, and He said instead of three wives, you’re supposed to have three speedboats. (This makes as much sense as anything God supposedly told anybody else.) Then ditch the balls-and-chains, grab a cooler, and head out for a suddenly single wild wave party.
7. Bewitched’s Abner and Gladys Kravitz
It’s hard to rekindle the coals of a cooling marriage when your wife spends all her time peering through the curtains at the Stevens’ house. After the ninth time Gladys claimed to have seen a sixties character actor turn into a frog or pony or whatever the hell, we’d be out of there. Move on, Abner! There have to be more attractive older ladies in the Bewitched neighborhood. How about hittin’ on Aunt Clara, or trying to get up in some Esmerelda? And hey, it’s the sixties– maybe you’d like to try a little Uncle Arthur on for size. We’re sure he wouldn’t mind.
6. The Nanny’s Fran and Maxwell Sheffield
Because would you want to be married to Fran Drescher?*
*Okay, you’ve cornered us. We think Fran Drescher is kind of hot. But in a watch-on-tv-that-you-can-turn-off-when-your-ears-start-bleeding sort of way. Not in a live-in-the-same-house way. Unless you’re deaf. Deaf dudes are Drescher’s biggest fans.
5. Happy Days‘ Howard and Marion Cunningham
We foresee major changes for the Cunninghams throughout the turbulent Sixties. Howard, previously a rock his family could cling to through uncertain times, is not immune to the changes blowin’ in the wind. He grows his hair long, starts wearing denim vests with no shirt, and keeps leaving newspapers open to articles on “free love”. Marion, repulsed, joins a commune before hitting the road with Mungo Jerry as one of their harem of “old ladies”. Best to set each other free now before they become another couple torn apart by societal upheaval.
4. Bill And Hillary Clinton
They qualify as a TV couple, right? After all, he starred in the defining show of the nineties, The Definition Of Sex, which ushered in the era of the lovable anti-hero, paving the way for Tony Soprano, Vic Mackey, and Hillary Clinton. Hillary was spun-off into last year’s She’s The Presidental Candidate, which, although cancelled, led to a supporting role on Obama! Do we even think of them as a couple anymore? They’ve been on separate shows for a long time now.
3. The Hills‘ Spencer and Heidi
Actually, no. These two are perfect for each other. They belong on a list of TV Couples Who Should Be Locked In A Silo Until They’re Eaten By Pigeons And/Or Bats. Daniel Tosh actually sums it up best in his hilarious interview with Speidi.
2. I Love Lucy’s Fred and Ethel Mertz
This is just gross.
1. The Cosby Show’s Cliff and Claire Huxtable
How many lip-synchs down the staircase do we have to endure to prove just how bored these two are with each other? By God, if we were a successful obstetrician who had provided for seventy-three children, we would eat a slice of cake whenever the hell we wanted. Who cares? Let Cliff fix the garbage disposal himself or whatever. On the flip side, Dr. Huxtable always did take a little too great of an interest in entertaining the local children. Let these two go their own ways– Claire can lead her glamorous lawyer life, wearing evening gowns and downing champagne, and Cliff can continue to be the weird guy in sweatpants who loves to bounce fat kids on his knee.
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