Stairway To Stardom was a New York City public access show that aired in the 1980s, before everyone in America had logged two seasons as star of their own reality show. Being on TV used to mean something, children. Also, this was back before irony, so everyone was earnest all the time, so they were hilarious all the time. These clips are just the tip of the watch-my-dreams-die-on-cable iceberg, so please watch all of them. But to ease yourself into it, first enjoy our list of The 15 Most Hilariously Awful “Stairway To Stardom” Clips. These are what America’s all about. Or at least TV. Same thing.
15. “Crackhead” By BJ The Messenger
This cautionary tale warns America’s youth to never listen to their friends when they need a back-up dancer for a public access television appearance. At least BJ The Messenger gets to hide his identity with a a mask.
14. Kid Singer Michael Daniel Baez Performs Billy Joel’s “You May Be Right”
Michael Daniel Baez is halfway to a great Billy Joel impression. He’s the right height– he just needs to work on the driving-drunk-while-looking-like-a-frog part.
13. Jennifer Jorgenson’s Dixie Medley Tap Number
“Hey! It’s my awkward teenage years. So why am I not dressed in a leotard and “dancing” on television so everyone can see? WHY AM I NOT LIVING?”
12. Don Costello’s ‘Mahna Mahna’ Routine
Thanks, Stairway To Stardom. Now every time we think of the Muppets, we’ll imagine they smell like Don Costello.
11. The Comedy Of Cheryl Klein
If Cheryl can overcome her shyness, we think America will love her wry, Noel Coward-esque wit. Also, every word we just said is a lie.
10. Louise Mascia’s “Let Me Entertain You” and “You Light Up My Life”
Why is age-inappropriate song choice so often a theme on Stairway To Stardom?
9. “Fame” As Danced By Michelle Sutlovich
I believe we’re watching the invention of irony.
8. “Funky Groove” By Reason To Live
Funnily enough, they have no “funk”, no “groove”, and no “reason to live”.
7. Funnyman Wayne Rubin
Ever seen Scorsese’s King Of Comedy? Now you don’t really have to.
6. “The Lady In Red” By Joe Refano
Better than the original? Well, it’d be hard to be worse. We hope that made the schoolyard beatings worth it, Joe Refano.
5. Gloria Huddle’s “Operator”
This one is great, because you get a little acting up top, then she drives it home with some singing, plus two different accents (at least!), and the whole thing gets a generous dusting of Manhattan Transfer. Delicious!
4. Lola Perazzo’s “Thriller” Routine
They should have played this at Michael Jackson’s funeral, right after John Mayer.
3. A Monologue By Precious Taft
This is why you should never date actresses. Or “actresses”.
2. “Hairdresser” By Lucille Cataldo
The greatest song ever written. Sorry, hymns.
1. Eileen Heyman Puts On A Puppet Show
It’s really hard to pick a number one from the many Stairway To Stardom clips, all of which are great. This one may be our favorite, because it’s so dry and nonsensical. She’s just making up a puppet show as she goes along. Did she really think that would make for compelling TV? Does she think this qualifies as an “act”? Is this some sort of court-mandated therapy? We don’t care. We love it. Hollywood should option this and turn it into a movie instead of Hong Kong Phooey.
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