Let’s get this out of the way: there really aren’t any GOOD 80s cartoon theme songs. And some of these, as horrible as they are, could go from “16 Worst” to, “Hey, that “Rubik The Amazing Cube” song is my new jam” fairly easily, provided you ingested the proper amount of sugary cereals (in the eighties) or alcoholic beverages (today). Some of these songs are annoying, some are tediously expository, some sound uncomfortably close to a Kenny Loggins song, and some are the most god-awful pieces of musical crap ever set to tinny drum machine beats and limp synths in order to sell Pop-Tarts to children. Friends, we give you the 16 Worst 80s Cartoon Theme Songs.
16. The Little Clowns Of Happy Town
What in God’s name is this, and why was it shown to children? This must have terrified more kids in the eighties than Gordon Jump’s van-based, Dudley-targeted, Diff’rent Strokes sex crimes.
15. Challenge Of The Go-Bots
Say what you will about the Transformers theme, it at least sounds like it’s from the eighties. The Go-Bots theme sounds like incidental music from an early season of The Love Boat, only with lasers in it.
15. The Snorks
For a show that tries so hard to rip off The Smurfs, you’d think they’d go the extra mile and try to steal some of that Smurfs theme song magic, what with its annoying stick-in-your-brain-ness and its iconic “la la la”-ing. There’s not a “la” to be had in this generic, forgettable goop.
13. Gilligan’s Planet
When the reunited Gilligan’s cast, more than likely desperate for cash, can’t get it up to sound remotely interested or engaged during the course of a mere minute-long theme song, you know that the poor viewers are in for a long slog.
12. Sport Billy
Does Sport Billy have a Sport Concussion? TV themes are often exposition-heavy, but why is Sport Billy’s theme song sung directly to Sport Billy? “Remember, Sport Billy, remember? You’ve come to earth to fight for good sportsmanship? Would it help if I sang it?” This theme song is like Memento, only not good.
11. Meatballs And Spaghetti
We’re glad this existed. There aren’t enough shows on TV showing the relationship between a fat slobby guy and his hot skinny wife. The song itself is growing on us as we write these very words (always bonus points for drum-playing dogs), but the “SPAGHETTI!” part is still annoying, and we don’t have a list of “16 Growing-On-Us 80s Cartoon Theme Songs”, and we want everyone to be impressed that we found this weird obscure cartoon intro, so it stays. Sorry, Composer Of The Meatballs And Spaghetti Theme Song. Hopefully a future blog with more integrity will restore you to your proper place on some still-to-come nostalgia-flogging list.
10. Saturday Supercade
Lots of songs on this list are from cartoons based on video games. Which should tell you something. For the most part, the bleep-blorps from the actual Atari 2600 games would be more enjoyable than this.
9. Disney’s Adventures Of The Gummi Bears
This song sounds like it was written and performed by the 4:30 PM cast of a Six Flags musical revue. (Also they were on Ecstasy and watched The Princess Bride after a Peter Cetera concert.)
8. Frogger
So Frogger is a reporter, and his theme song is sung in a faux-Dixieland lite shuffle that calls out for Leon Redbone, who we suppose was holding out for that Mr. Belvedere money. The lyrics to the theme song make no sense, but neither does Frogger as a reporter, so we guess it all works out in the end. Except for the awfulness.
7. Mr. T And The All American Team
Again with the seventies sound! The harps and the disco lounge horns! This sounds like music played under Adrienne Barbeau running laps in the ‘76 Battle of the Network Stars. This is Mr. T! This is the Eighties! Why no funk? Why no grit? Why no anger? Why are all the gymnastics accompanied by sound effects that sound like variations on eating an apple? WHY ARE THERE GYMNASTICS AT ALL?
Mr. T needs work, indeed.
6. Shirt Tales
Unfortunately, this song falls short of the generally high standard set by cartoons based on f*cking greet cards. It took us a couple of listens to realize this song doesn’t set anything up. It goes on and on with the talking and the talking but it is very vague about the premise of this show. We get the names of the creepy animals, and that they can ‘called’, somehow. DETAILS! Also, RIP Fred Travalena.
5. Camp Candy
So we heard the Camp Candy theme and thought, despite our deep love and respect for John Candy, “Wow, that song sucks. On the list!” Then we learned it was written by Harry Nilsson, who we also love and respect. (Popeye! C’mon!) So we were gonna leave it off. Then we decided to go with our first instinct, because no matter how much we love and respect John Candy and Harry Nilsson, and no matter how dead they both may be, the theme song to Camp Candy still sucks.
4. Pole Position
This song actually kind of rocks, in a Kenny-Loggins-feels-like-rockin’-today sorta way. And the lyrics contained the phrase “danger zone” before “Danger Zone” became a hit. Did Kenny Loggins rip off Pole Position? That sounds dirty. Also, WTF is that animal? A raccoon? A lemur? We want one.
3. Q*Bert
We’re not here to bash the premise of this show, which of course is so nonsensical it lends credence to the popular theory that cocaine permeated every aspect of show business in the early eighties, especially children’s programming. Instead, let’s focus in on the awful lyrics. How fast do you think they were written? Thirty seconds? Ten? Did they forget they needed a theme song until airtime, and the lyrics had to be improvised live on national TV, Tootsie style? That is one nutty Saturday Supercade.
2. Rubik The Amazing Cube
Did you know that a pre-Ricky Martin Menudo sang the theme song to the animated adaptation of Rubik’s Cube? Did you even know there was an animated adaptation of Rubik’s Cube? Did you think that would even be possible? Or something anybody would want? Too bad the guys in Menudo didn’t turn sixteen and get Logan’s Runned before recording this song.
1. Rickety Rocket
This is racist, right? We’re pretty sure everything about this is really, really racist. Who knew the future would be so racist? And a rip-off of Speed Buggy? Also, apparently the future is run by the guy who writes song parodies for Rush Limbaugh.
Still list hungry? Grab you a plate.
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