News broke last week that Paula Abdul would not be returning for the ninth season of “American Idol.” While this is great news for fans of complete sentences and non-slurred speech, it’s awful for those who enjoy trainwreck television, which, let’s be honest, is all of us. But perhaps we can make awkward-TV lemonade out of Paula’s career lemons. Let’s take this opportunity to make “American Idol” even more of a must-see wince-athon. Below we’ve put together a list of 10 Deranged And Unintelligible Replacements For Paula Abdul On “American Idol,” proving that Paula’s not the only C-list celebrity who knows how to party. And by party, we mean be terrible.
10. Beetlejuice
This beloved member of the “Howard Stern Show” would definitely outdo Paula in the unintelligible department. He would also be A LOT cheaper, since payment for Beetlejuice consists mainly of tallboys and lap dances. There’s only one drawback. He may possibly be dead. We’ll check on that.
9. Jeff Conaway
We all want Jeff Conaway to get his life under control just as soon as we stop being entertained by his misery. Until he’s off the sauce, we want him on our favorite TV show. When Jeff’s back is acting up and he’s wheelchair-bound (which is every other day), a standing ovation from him would certainly mean more to an aspiring “Idol” contestant than one from Paula, who can stand… usually… shakily. He also has a well-storied background in music. Remember, “Grease” is the word!
8. Ozzy Osbourne
Ozzy would be a great fit. He and Paula both possess musical backgrounds, are impossible to understand and have the same hair.
7. La Toya Jackson
She’s certainly back in the news. They even want her over at “Dancing With The Stars.” You can’t tell us that if this nutbag was on TV twice a week that you wouldn’t watch every awkward second. This is your moment, La Toya. Grab on to your rising star and never let go. You can thank Michael when you get to Heaven (we’re assuming).
6. Joe Jackson
Joe could take “AI” to the next level of pop star mentorship by implementing his patented Joe Jackson Star School method throughout the “Idol” dorms: Nonstop rehearsal, kicks to the ribs, and “You got a big nose” written across the bathroom mirrors in the blood of contestants’ childhood pets.
5. Cloris Leachman
What “American Idol” needs is a goofy, elderly and endearingly dementia-addled attention whore who loves to dance, flirt, and dribble nonsense into microphones. But since Paula’s not coming back, how about Cloris?
4. Courtney Love
She’s been mentioned as a Paula replacement in irresponsible media speculation/cruel pranks, but we think Courtney Love would be a nurturing, inspirational judge for the “AI” kids–aside from the ones she drives to suicide. Just look at her Twitter. Courtney’s tweets are definitely ready to slip into Paula’s slot (gross, we’re sorry).
3. Britney Spears
This is such a good idea we fully expect Rupert Murdoch to adopt us. If she’s back to crazy, maybe she’ll shave her head during the finals and score an Oster sponsorship. And if she’s holding it together, that’s just as entertaining. The sane, redneck, gum-chomping Britney with kids hanging off her hip is also gold. Sorry, Paula. White trashiness trumps pill poppiness.
2. Sarah Palin
Since Ms. Palin accuses the press of just making stuff up about her… so we will. Fox is reporting that former Alaska Governor Sarah Palin has agreed to join the judging panel of hit singing competition “American Idol” this fall. A spokesman for Ms. Palin confirmed that “Sarah is looking forward to overpraising the singing of the farmgirls, National Guardsmen, and unwed mothers, and condemning the possible gays as ‘too pitchy/possibly gay.’” On her Twitter account, Ms. Palin wrote: “Americ. Idol? Now ALASKAn Idol. Alaska wildflowers? For Simon. Energy lies under permafrost, – Now friendship lies under Coke glasses.” This is presumed to be a confirmation as well.
1. Kara DioGuardi
Kara says she was never supposed to be Paula’s replacement. We’ll take her at her word, but that doesn’t mean she can’t be Paula’s replacement. Right now, she’s too boring to ever truly replace the ‘Dul. But that’s nothing a tongue injury, a concussion and an addiction to painkillers couldn’t fix. Make it happen, Rupert Murdoch. We’re sure this wouldn’t be the first tongue injury, concussion and painkiller addiction you’ve ever forced on someone at the hands of hired goons.
Our 10 Favorite TV Neighbors are raiding your fridge, while our 10 Favorite TV Principals are discussing your report card with your parents. Your life is awful.
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