If you know any unemployed actors (sorry), here’s a fun “Variety” article to send them. It’s all about “Top Chef” host Padma Lakshmi developing a sitcom for NBC. When your friends read it, they will cry, then move back to Nebraska. Ho ho, it is fun to crush your friends’ spirits! In fairness, Padma is an actor, who went to Actor School, got her Acting Degree, then starred in “Glitter.” Be sure to remind your friends of that last part when you are helping them pack. Ho ho! Crying and packing! Below, we make up some TV series that are less horrifying in concept than “The Padma Show” except we got paid far below WGA scale to do it. It’s our 10 Terrible TV Shows More Plausible Than Padma Lakshmi’s Sitcom. Please read it before you go look at this picture of Padma naked.
10. “Celebrity Rehab With Dr. Conrad Murray”
Michael Jackson’s embattled physician tries to rehabilitate his rep by rehabilitating drug and alcohol addicted semi-celebrities. Dr. Murray has two mottos: They’re not drug drugs if a doctor gave them to you and It’s hard to get stoned when you’re sleeping. Hey! That one dude from Color Me Badd! Need to get off heroin? Stern but understanding Dr. Murray is the doc for you. Just go to sleep, that one dude from Color Me Badd. Just. Go. To. Sleep.
9. “Let’s Eat Chili With Rosie O’Donnell”
Rosie O’Donnell sits at a card table in a wood-paneled efficiency apartment and wordlessly eats bowl after bowl of chili. How many pots can she choke down in half an hour? SPOILER ALERT: More than you’d think.
8. “Stop! Financial Planning Time! With MC Hammer”
Hammer helps America recover from the financial crisis with helpful hints ranging from “Breaking It To Your Entourage That You’re Going Dutch To Chili’s” to “Have You Considered A Part-Time Job Shilling For Cash4Gold?”
7. “Heidi and Spencer Read the Bible To Each Other”
Heidi and Spencer love Jesus so much that they occasionally stop posing for “Playboy” and giving each other 30 orgasms a day in order to spread the Gospel to each other and their lucky viewers.
6. “Salman Rushdie’s Cave Lairs, Hookah Bars, and Hide-Outs”
Padma’s ex tours the Middle East looking for the most off-the-beaten path places to grub. Sort of like “Diners, Drive-Ins and Dives” but with the added thrill of a dangerous fatwa against the host. We’ll probably only get one episode out of this, honestly– maybe it’s more of a special.
5. “I Married A Buffalo” Starring Ted Turner
Who knew Ted Turner was funny? Nobody. Not one person on Earth. Ted plays Ted Turndorf, a Montana architect whose recently departed wife’s soul is trapped inside Stella, a large buffalo! What? I know. The buffalo can’t talk or give Ted signs that it’s really his wife or anything. Ted is really just guessing. Actually, now that we think about it, maybe he’s just nuts. Adapted from the telenovela “Un Búfalo Está Casada Con Ted Turner? Me Pregunto Que Es Más Lamentable!”
4. “He’s The Watchmaker”
Cantankerous master watchmaker Rip Travers (Wilford Brimley) takes on an apprentice from the inner city named Soulja Boy (Soulja Boy). These two have so little in common that they make the “Odd Couple” seem like the “Has A Lot In Common Couple.” How will they make it? Can anything bring them together? Never underestimate the power of watchmaking. Also stars Alison La Placa as Judy.
3. “Elisabeth!”
Elisabeth Hasselbeck stars as the foxiest, Republicaniest high school trig teacher in Miami. The laughs never stop as Elisabeth tries to make sense of a public school trigonometry text and takes us along for the ride. Maybe some of her fellow teachers are liberals! A semester’s worth of scintillation! Also, she gets pregnant twice.
2. “Punched In The Nuts By Tom Wopat”
People get punched in the nuts by Tom Wopat. Easy sell. People love seeing other people get punched in the nuts, and Tom Wopat is awesome (as you can see by the picture below). It’s review-proof. What would the reviews say? “Despite some powerful nut-punching action, Wopat’s character is woefully underdeveloped.” We came close to calling this “Knocked In The Knutz By Tom Wopat” but we didn’t want to confuse viewers with extra consonants.
1. “Joey II”
Not actually a new series– just “Joey re-runs with a new name. Sure, nobody watched them the first time, but that was before the fancy new title. It’s fancy because it has a Roman numeral in it. Think that doesn’t make sense? That it’s too crass and inane an idea for even TV executives? You, my friend, are living in a pre-proposed-Padma-Lakshmi-sitcom world. Welcome to the future. It kind of sucks.
You may also be pleased to know that Padma enjoys burgers, Guy Fieri will eat anything, and Sandra Lee has a filthy mouth.
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