We want to dismiss HBO’s hit “True Blood” as “Steel Magnolias” with monster orgies instead of diabetes. Instead of running a hair salon, Dolly Parton turns into a fly. But we find “True Blood” amazing. Not “amazing” as in “good,” but more like “amazing” as in “We can’t believe the amazing nonsense we just watched,” or “Was that an incomprehensible TV show or a dream we had after smoking crack?” The show, characters, plots and accents are so stunningly ridiculous that we managed to come up with a list of 10 Dopiest TV Vampires Still Less Ridiculous Than “True Blood.” We didn’t even have to cheat and list any ghosts. Enjoy. And remember… only three episodes left!
10. Vinnie Stoker
A teenage, leather-jacket wearing, Fonzie vampire seems to be missing from “True Blood” only because producers haven’t thought of it yet. If you’re going to steal from “Rick Moranis In Gravedale High” please steal the Rick Moranis part. Every show needs more Rick Moranis.
9. Grandpa Munster
Elderly Borscht-Beltian vampire with a basement lab that produces pills that turn him into a bat? That’s like a “Frontline” documentary compared to the HBO horse apple.
8. Count Floyd
“True Blood” is as ridiculous as any movie that Joe Flaherty’s beloved character would host on “SCTV,” look it up if you’re young. We would take the “3-D House Of Stewardesses” over “True Blood” any day.
7. Count Duckula
A vampire duck would not be entirely out of place on this ridiculous show. The comparatively sober treatment afforded the duckpire concept on “Count Duckula” lends it an intellectual heft that “True Blood” will never muster.
6. Barnabas Collins
The overly melodramatic soap “Dark Shadows” starred vampire Barnabas Collins. Besides vampires, “Dark Shadows” also featured ghosts, werewolves, witches, time travel and parallel worlds which are all still more grounded in reality than the HBO disaster.
5. Count Blood Count
Bugs Bunny singing “Hocus Pocus” and “Abracadabra” and turning Count Blood Count into /out of being a bat makes as much sense as any vamp-related lore introduced into the “True Blood” universe. And sure, this was originally a theatrical short, but it’s appeared on Saturday morning TV so often we’re laying claim to Count Blood Count as a TV character. Bite us.
4. Count Von Count
At least “Sesame Street’s” Count Von Count has a grasp of mathematics that bests Anna Paquin. But hey, you don’t have to understand addition to be on TV. Just ask Patricia Heaton.
3. Dracula From “The Monster Squad”
Dracula joins forces with the Wolfman and Frankenstein’s monster to battle crime alongside “Love Boat” hero Gopher. He’d be a powerful force on the HBO melodrama.
2. Nick Knight
Rick Springfield was a vampire? Hey, look at him in those “Californication” promos. The man is ageless. And wouldn’t you rather your vampire bust out “Jessie’s Girl” than mope around mooning over Anna Paquin’s t*ts?
1. Bunnicula
Vampire rabbit that drains the juice of vegetables? Sex it up, coat all the characters in physique-enhancing sweat, and you’ve got a six-episode order from HBO.
Prefer hicks to vampires? Check out TV’s 12 Greatest Backwoods Hayseeds or sing along with our 16 Worst Cartoon Theme Songs Of The ’80s.
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