Yesterday, “American Idol” made the announcement that talk show host and comedienne Ellen DeGeneres will be replacing Paula Abdul as the fourth judge on Fox’s number one show. Ellen is the perfect choice for this position. Not only has she been judged her whole life (So, she knows how to do it herself.), she’s also smart and funny. This is only going to make Kara DioGuardi appear to be about as useful as a condom to a nun. This switch shouldn’t come as a shock to anyone, but let’s try to keep it a secret if we can. We wouldn’t want Paula to find out. Here are some other reasons we think Ellen is perfect for the job.
10. She’ll Have Better Jokes About Simon
No more “nice shirt” lines from Paula. Ellen’s comeback lines will be more like, “That comment was lower than the age of your last girlfriend.”
9. She Won’t Sleep With The Male Contestants
Hello, she’s married—to a woman. If she were going to sleep around, we would hope it would at least be with a finalist.
8. She’s A Better Dancer
Paula was a Laker Girl, Janet Jackson’s choreographer and she danced during all the performances on “Idol.” It was still hard to watch her mindless swaying. Ellen will bring some new moves to the table. We look forward to the Soulja Boy and the Jai Ho dances.
7. She’s Easier To Dress/Style
No more crazy dresses or ridiculously big rings. She can just throw on a cute suit and some tennis shoes. BAM! We’re off to the races. Plus, she has shorter hair than Randy.
6. She Lives In Los Angeles
Paula lives on Jupiter. It’s a much further commute and far more expensive.
5. She Drives A Porsche
All day and all night! Paula doesn’t drive because she can’t hold the steering wheel, pills and a cocktail at the same time.
4. She Doesn’t Cry Over People
Paula loved to get emotional on the show. Ellen won’t do that unless a contestant is holding a puppy that can’t get adopted.
3. She Can Help Ryan Out
Literally. Ellen came out of the closet on her TV sitcom back in 1997. Maybe she could help Ryan understand why he loves the phrase “Seacrest Out” so much.
2. She KNOWS People
The only person Paula knows is the guy behind the perscription counter at Rite Aid. Sure, his name is Steve and she calls him “Medicine Man,” but it’s a start.
1. She’s A Big Fan Of The Show
Ellen is quoted as saying “I’ve never missed an episode.” We’re pretty sure Paula has no recollection of last season, and she keeps calling Kelly Clarkson “that fat girl.”
Do you love “American Idol” more than anything else in the world? Check out our list of 10 “AI” Fan Reactions To Kris Allen Winning Last Year’s Finale and our piece on former contestant Katrina Darrell (Bikini Girl).
Sarah Tiana is a comedienne/punching bag in Los Angeles.
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