Most people wouldn’t think of Jesus Christ (aka our Lord and Savior) as being a big television watcher. After all, who’s got time when there are so many souls to save? One of the great things about being omnipotent is that you’re very good at multitasking. Not only does J.C. watch the idiot box, he’s actually seen every television show ever, including all eight episodes of “Manimal.”
What’s he watching these days? Glad you asked. Here are 10 TV Shows Loved By The Big J.C.
10. “Smallville” (Fridays, 8pm, the CW)
Growing up in a small town is tough, especially when you have secret super powers that no one’s supposed to know about. J.C. can relate. Having a mystical father you’ve never met? J.C. can relate. Being a hunky heartthrob like Tom Welling? Okay, that’s a stretch. But, J.C. is pretty sure Welling couldn’t pull off the robe and sandals look as well as he did.
9. “Ice Road Truckers” (Sunday, 9pm, The History Channel)
Sure, dying for all of humanity’s sins by being nailed to a cross was a b*tch. That’s nothing compared to what these bad asses do every week. These guys give new meaning to the phrase intestinal fortitude. Unfortunately, global warming is melting the ice caps, which means this show could be disappearing quicker than wine at a Canan wedding.
8. “Melrose Place” (Tuesdays, 9pm, the CW)
Some people might think a trashy, primetime soap about a bunch a self-indulgent youngsters living in an L.A. apartment complex would be beneath the Son of Man. Well, those people would be wrong. J.C. loves this reboot providing the best cat fights on television. If it fails to showcase Ashlee Simpson’s acting talents, a plague of locusts will smite their set.
7. “Lost” (TBD 2010, ABC)
As this cultural juggernaut enters it’s final season, even an omnipotent deity has no idea where this show is headed or how it’s going to end. All J.C. knows is he’s getting a little sick of seeing dead islanders reappear from the grave. It hits a little to close to home.
6. “Entourage” (Sunday Nights, HBO)
J.C. may be the Lamb of God, but he still knows a good time when he sees it. Besides, after spending 33 years on Earth trying to set a good example, the Messiah likes living a vicarious life of sin and skin through Vinnie Chase and his boys. If Ari Gold was his agent he’d probably be able to get better gigs than appearing in oil stains and grilled cheese sandwiches.
5. “Jay Leno” (Mondays thru Fridays, 10pm, NBC)
What do NBC execs do with a talk show host they no longer wanted in the 11:30 pm time slot? Why, they give him the 10 pm time slot. It’s dumb decisions like these that sometimes have J.C. urging Daddy to flood the world again. On the bright side, there’s something about Jay’s bland joke-telling that puts him right to sleep at night.
4. “Cougar Town” (Wednesdays, 9:30pm, ABC)
Some people say miracles don’t exist. But how else do you explain Courteney Cox marrying David Arquette, or anyone marrying David Arquette? J.C. is hoping Ms. Cox’s return to primetime comedy as an oversexed divorcee can fill the void left by “Sex in the City” as the show that features the most women over 40 dressing slutty.
3. “Dancing with the Stars” (Mondays, 8pm, ABC)
J.C. watches this reality show simply to mock the no-talents that pass as “stars” these days. Melissa Joan Hart is a star? Really? What’s the Son of God gotta do to get an invite? At least he has name recognition. Even though J.C. isn’t much of a dancer, he couldn’t be any worse than former House Majority Leader and all-around douchebag Tom DeLay.
2. “WWE Monday Night Raw” (Mondays, 9pm, USA)
After spending his days trying to deliver righteousness to the world, it’s nice to take the edge off with some scripted violence. Of course, J.C. is a pacifist at heart, but there’s no commandment barring the enjoyment that comes from watching grown men hit each other in the head with steel chairs.
1. “60 Minutes” (Sundays, 7pm, CBS)
J.C. is not generally a news magazine show kind of guy. But most of the people on this show will be in Heaven sooner rather than later, so it’s a good chance for him get to know some of his future neighbors. That being said, he doesn’t recommend anyone watch Andy Rooney in HD.
Jesus sure is busy. Check out these 6 Awesome Pictures of Jesus With Dinosaurs and this compilation of Jesus and Mary sightings on the local news.
This list was written by Dave Metrick, a freelance writer and perpetual procrastinator who sometimes writes a blog.
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