With the end of summer, we also sadly come to the end of another fun-filled season of “America’s Got Talent,” and we have some time to go until we get Ellen Degeneres on “American Idol.” Congratulations to ex-chicken catcher Kevin Skinner for winning the million dollar prize, and congrats to Barbara Padilla, Lawrence Beamen, Grandma Lee and everyone else who made it into the final 10. It was a season full of crap, full of new stars being born and full of surprises. In October, auditions start up again for next year’s season of “AGT,” and once again, it’ll be a mixed bag of crazy. If we can have our say now, we’ve put together a list of 20 people we’d like to see on the next season of the world’s greatest show “America’s Got Talent.”
20. Royal
In his post-finale interview, “AGT” judge Piers Morgan stated that he thought one of the main reasons that the season came down to Kevin Skinner and Barbara Padilla was that they’re not only incredible singers, but that they have engaging personal stories that people find fascinating. What could be more engaging and universal than love and loss? Royal loves J’Koko and he wants the whole world to know it.
The verdict:
David: “I uh… is this really how this is going to start Hoff? I’m speechless.”
Sharon: “It can only get better from here.”
Piers: “Royal, that song was worse than having ice picks shoved in my ears. I really think I should tell you that.”
19. The Whistling Puppy
Television talent shows love children and dogs. Even if acts with kids or dogs almost never win, it’s just not “AGT” or “American Idol” or “Star Search” without some adorable kid doing some adorable thing or somebody and their adorable dog doing dumb tricks. The Whistling Puppy is both a dog and a kid in one and his one act– whistling– is just so damn sweet, you’ll be spitting out teeth and taking insulin shots if you watch it more than twice.
The verdict:
David: “I don’t care what anyone else says. That was so Hoffing cute, I’ve got to say yes!”
Sharon: “Darling, I don’t know if it’s enough for a full Vegas act, but I just can’t get enough of that puppy. I say yes!”
Piers: “Look, everyone love puppies, but this is a million dollar competition, and a whistling puppy doesn’t have what it takes.”
18 Loco Mama
Personality. It’s something that Loco Mama has in spades. She also has a lovely candy bra that she wants to share with you. Don’t you love it?
Verdict:
David: “Wow. I don’t think I’ll ever go to the beach again.”
Sharon: “Miss Loco, darling, do you have a day job? I hate to be rude, but I’m thinking that if you do, maybe you should keep your day job.”
Piers: “I thought someone said it would be getting better from the guy singing about J’Koko.”
17. Tony Royster, Jr.
Tony Royster, Jr. was only 12-years-old when he made this video in 2006, and it hurts one’s brain to imagine how much better he is just a few years later.
The verdict:
David: “I am absolutely Hoffing speechless, kid. That was, hands down some of the best drumming I’ve ever heard.
Sharon: “Tony, Tony, Tony. You are 100 percent adorable and I love you so much. You and that drum set are one entity. That was amazing.”
Piers: “Tony, seriously… even at your age, this whole competition could be yours for the taking.”
16. The Bearded Dancing Geek Ninja
Dance acts usually do well on talent shows, but only if they provide something that’s different and new. The Bearded Dancing Geek Ninja has energy, dedication and is nothing like you’ve seen before. He doesn’t need to be part of a dance troupe. His floor-clearing moves are a wrecking ball of awesome in and of themselves.
The verdict:
David: “THAT WAS HOFF THE CHAIN!”
Sharon: “Um, I don’t know exactly what I just saw. Would you say that you have some work to do in order to be a real dancer?”
Piers: “No. Just no. Sorry.”
15. The Poetic Prophet
Rappers generally don’t do well on shows like “AGT,” but that’s because most rappers that try out are 17-year-old white suburban kids who seem to think that listening to Tupac and Biggie magically gives them rap skills through osmosis. The Poetic Prophet on the other hand, not only has the mad rhyming skills, he’s got the mad website coding skills to boot. If the judges aren’t blown away by his rapping– though we can’t see why they wouldn’t be blown away– he can always use Plan B which would be whipping up a standards-compliant web page in record time.
The verdict:
David: “You’re geeky cool, man. I like it. It was like cool and new and hip and it was like it just got in my brain. It was HOFFSATIONAL!”
Sharon: “Yeah, okay. I thought it was groovy. It was good. I’ll say yes.”
Piers: “I’m not sure if it’s a million dollar act, but it’s better than most other rappers we’ve seen. You’re going to the next round!”
14. The Guy Who Can Fart on Command
Every season of “AGT” has to have some act that you know isn’t going to make it to the next round, but is just too bizarre, funny or gross to pass up. During this season’s auditions, Seattle seemed to be the home of the freakshows, and they had their fair share of people sticking meat hooks in their face, setting themselves on fire and whatnot, but there wasn’t a single person who could fart on command. That’s all going to change in Season 5.
The verdict:
David: “Wow, I’m blown away, but not like in a good way.”
Sharon: “I can’t believe I sat through that without puking.”
Piers: (with his head down on the judges’ table, quietly weeping) “Oh, no.”
13. Amy Walker
Amy Walker can do 21 different accents in two and a half minutes. Not impressive, you say? Well, friend, perhaps you haven’t seen it.
The verdict:
David: (In a bad Australian accent) “Well hello there, I’m David Hasselhoff and I say that was un-Hoffing-believable.”
Sharon: “Really, is that what a British accent sounds like?”
Piers: “That may be what Sharon’s accent sounds like, but I’m just not impressed. Thanks for coming.”
12. Ben Heckendorn
Talent shows — they’re all about singers and dancers and magicians — but those aren’t the only people with talent. There’s plenty of incredibly talented people out there that can’t sing a note or couldn’t dance their way out of a wet paper bag, but still deserve their name in lights on the Vegas strip. People like Ben Heckendorn, who creates handheld game devices out of non-handheld consoles and turns old retro gaming consoles into portable machines. That’s what the world needs to see more of, not kids singing “The Good Ship Lollipop.”
The verdict:
David: “I’m not sure if I get it, but I’m impressed. I think.”
Sharon: “Let me get this straight. Your talent is that you can make a Playstation into a laptop? Maybe someone has a use for that.”
Piers: “Am I on the right show? You’re obviously very talented, but no thanks.”
11. The Groovy Daft Punk Dancing Girl
The hot redheaded hippie chick dancing to Daft Punk is one of the most popular dancing videos ever on the entire Internet in the entire history of humanity, so she no doubt has the ability to compete in the rough and tumble world of “America’s Got Talent.” We don’t care what dancer you might have been rooting for in Season 4, we’re pretty sure that almost 5 million people can’t be wrong. This is a dancer that you could watch again, again and again.
The verdict:
David: “Oh yeah, I feel like dancing right now. I am dancing right now, only you can’t see it. I’m going to be dancing on the inside for a week now. That was HOFFSTANDING!”
Sharon: “You missy, have got real talent. Yes, yes yes!”
Piers: “I’m going to be honest with you. I don’t know if you have what it takes to win this competition, but I’m willing to give you a shot. I say yes.”
10. The Cuppy Cakes Kid
So we’ve had a super cute dog that touched the judges’ hearts… well, most of them. And what’s a talent show without a super cute kid doing a super cute song? It’s nothing… nothing at all. The Cuppy Cakes Kid has charmed and scared thousands of Americans, he’s been on the “Tyra Banks Show” and now it’s his time to grab the brass ring and go for his destiny — a million dollars and his own show in Vegas.
The verdict:
David: “You’re, uh… a very charming person. I just couldn’t do it though, I’m sorry dude.”
Sharon: “I just want to pick you up and take you home and squeeeeze you! You’re so adorable!”
Piers: “It’s just not doing it for me. Cute, yes, but it’s a no.”
9. Travis Fessler, World-Record Cockroach Eater
Travis Fessler holds the world record for holding live hissing cockroaches in his mouth — 11 massive Madagascar hissing cockroaches in his maw at one time. We’re not gonna try it. Okay, some of us might, but we’re pretty sure that no one’s going to beat the record of 11. Take that, Kevin Skinner.
The verdict:
David: “That was… awful. Awful, but intriguing. I couldn’t look away. I give it four out of four HOFFS!”
Sharon: “If you thought you were going to gross me out, you’ve forgotten who I’m married to. I’ve seen much worse. Still, I’d like to see you come back and see if you can do 15 next time.”
Piers: “Absolutely disgusting.”
8. Sammy Stevens, the Montgomery Flea Market Guy
It’s just like… it’s just like… it’s just like a mini-mall! Sure he can’t really sing, he can’t really dance but he’s got heart. Hear his Montgomery Flea Market song one time, and you won’t be able to get it out of your head for weeks. That’s called a hook, kids, and that’s what sells records.
The verdict:
David: “It’s just like, it’s just like, it’s just like the oddest thing I’ve seen in a while, but it’s not HOFFUL. I say yes, oh yeah! Oh yeah!”
Sharon: “Sammy… you’re not the best singer and dancer we’ve seen on this show, but you’ve got spunk. And that’s what I like.”
Piers: “I disagree with David. That was Hofful.”
7. The Guy Who Can Stick 2,222 Toothpicks in His Beard
He’s a guy with a long beard in which he can stick 2,222 toothpicks. It may not win the million, but a beard full of toothpicks is nothing to sneeze at. And it’s nothing to sneeze while attempting, either. Someone could put an eye out.
The verdict:
David: “Man, you are strange, and I don’t get it, and I don’t know if this is the place for you, but I wish you and your beard the best of luck.”
Sharon: “Yeah, thanks for coming.”
Piers: “This is why I didn’t want to get out of bed this morning.”
6. Brittany, the Pig-Squealing Girl
Having a great voice isn’t all about opera and Whitney Houston covers. Sometimes having a million dollar vocal talent can just be about making noises like face-eating demon swine.
The verdict:
David: “Wow, where did that come from? I’m not sure I want to see more or not. That scared the Hoff out of me.”
Sharon: “Brittany darling, I’m going go ahead and say no, but you’ve got a bright future as a death metal singer.”
Piers: “That was… something.”
5. JReflex93
“America’s Got Talent” is pretty heavy on “real” musicians, but sometimes there’s more talent in “Guitar Hero” musicians. This is true when you can play “Guitar Hero 3″ and solve a Rubik’s Cube at the same time. To pre-empt David Hasselhoff, this is one talent that’s HOFF THE CHAIN.
The verdict:
David: “Kid, you’ve got incredible dexterity and brains, which is something we don’t see nearly enough of on this show. Bring on the Hoffing Rubik’s Cubes!”
Sharon: “JReflex93, you’ve got an incredible career ahead of you.”
Piers: “That was certainly impressive, but can you actually play a real instrument?”
4. The Ukrainian Archery Duo
Yes, technically this idiotic pair is from the Ukraine, but how hard can it be to get an apartment in Queens if it means that you’re eligible for one of the largest talent shows in the world? Fake or not, this kind of stupidity is a skill that’s made, not something you’re born with. It takes work.
The verdict:
David: “You’ve got to be Hoff your meds to try something like that. Is that dude okay?”
Sharon: “Seriously, I think we should call an ambulance. That doesn’t look good.”
Piers: “At least we don’t have to worry about seeing them in the next round.”
3. Paul Hipp
Paul Hipp. He’s got music. He’s got comedy, He’s got great topical songwriting skills. We’re number 37! Go USA!
The verdict:
David: “I didn’t think I’d ever find the healthcare issue so damn… groovy. You go, man. You’ve got talent.”
Sharon: “You’re really funny and talented, Paul and I can’t wait to see what you come up with next. Yes.”
Piers: “When you first started, I was ready to buzz you, but I gave it a little bit and it grew on me. It’s funny.”
2. Tim “Pricasso” Patch
Tim Patch is a painter, something you don’t normally see on shows like “America’s Got Talent,” but he’s a painter with a special God-given gift. Tim Patch paints with his penis. You think you have what it takes to paint beautiful paintings with your tallywhacker? No, then stop laughing. This is serious business.
The verdict:
David: “That is certainly… very unusual. You sure can paint your d*ck Hoff.”
Sharon: “Nice hat.”
Piers: “That was indeed unique and I’m sure there is a place for it in Vegas somewhere.”
1. Pole-dancing Dad
Pole dancing is starting to come into its own and be recognized as both a sport and an art form, so it’s only a matter of time before we see an incredibly talented pole dancer vault to the top of the AGT standings. But before we get to that point, we’ll probably get this instead.
The verdict:
David: “Man, you’ve got some serious chutzpah to get up here and do that in front of everybody. The thing is, I really wish you hadn’t.”
Sharon: “I second that.”
Piers: “I third that. I really should have brought some liquor today. It’s just that kind of competition this season, apparently.”
We can’t wait until “America’s Got Talent” returns! Check out Grandma Lee on “America’s Got Talent” and the David Hasselhoff video game.
Posted by Orin Shepherd, who Hoffthehook.
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