Tyra Banks thinks she’s a God. And the comedy world couldn’t agree more after watching her grand mal seizures over the years. We’ve been obsessed ever since Joel McHale ripped her on “The Soup,” and we’re still fans after she showed us her real hair in one of the funniest clip of the day. But does her generous comedy givings have limits? We’re fairly certain Tyra would say “no,” and we agree after finding 10 Reasons Why Tyra Banks Thinks She’s Bigger Than Jesus.
10. Her Healing Powers Are Bigger than Jesus’
Jesus only healed people on the insides, the gross insides. Sure, when those Romans went home, they had the ability to walk, but they were still butt-ugly (Mark 2:12). Is that really “healing”- being forced to walk around and have people notice how hideous you are? Not in Tyra’s book.
9. Tyra Overcame Her Crippling Fear Of Real Live Dolphins, A Struggle Far Worse Than Jesus’ Dealings With Satan
Jesus was only afraid of the eternal fate of mankind. But what about all of the dolphins?
8. Tyra Promotes Her Miracles More Than Jesus
Maybe if Jesus had a publicist, someone would’ve bought his book before 1439. He should have taken a tip from Tyra, and produced an entire awards show about his achievements.
7. Tyra Is Way Better At Saving Children Than Jesus
Jesus was so humble, nobody had any idea how awesome and supermodel-gorgeous he was. Take a tip from Tyra, big guy, make everything a biopic about you.
6. Tyra’s Gifts To The African-Descended Community Are Bigger Than Jesus’
In fact, Tyra posing almost nude was apparently the single greatest step in the rights of women, African-Americans, and the mentally-challenged.
5. Tyra Is Far Superior At The Miracle Of Transformation Than Jesus Was
Jesus just turned water into wine, Tyra turned herself into…
A homeless person. Note that looking homeless takes an hour in makeup.
This guy.
4. Tyra Shares Her Tips For Walking On (Toilet) Water
Jesus’ awesomeness remains shrouded in mystery. Now, we can all be so lucky as to perform Tyra’s bathroom miracles.
3. Tyra’s Healing Hands Have Magic “Real-Boob Detection Powers”
Healing hands versus hands that get to touch real boobs for no apparent reason – it’s no contest. What follows is the worst use of a super-power…ever.
2. Unlike Jesus, Tyra Won’t Starve Herself
According to Tyra, Jesus probably needs a little more self-esteem so he doesn’t have to spiritually fast.
1. Tyra Loves You More Than Jesus (That’s Why She Is Yelling)
Jesus commanded his followers to turn the other cheek. According to Tyra, that means he doesn’t love you enough to yell at you.
For more hilariously egotistical clips of Tyra, check this out. Or maybe you’d rather have someone funnier than you watch Tyra then tell you about it. Also, we went this entire article without giving you a good shot of her butt, please accept our apology.
Evan Hoovler co-wrote the National Lampoon book “Pimp It Yourself”. He is executive producer of the sketch comedy troupe Drunk Nerds.
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