Does anyone ever root for the good guys anymore? We know we don’t. Give us a good villain, and we’ll wish for mischief and mayhem until the cows come home.
Most people can name movie villains all day long and list their favorites. (“Batman” villains are da bomb.) What about television baddies? Do they get a bad rap? They are hindered by television censors and 8 pm time slots, but does their inability to use the f-bomb take away from their treacherous goodness? We think not. We believe if you took the best of the best TV villains and put them up against the best of the best movie villains, you would see a pretty good battle. That brings us to the the battle of the TV and movie villains. Bring. It. On.
10. Darth Vader (“Star Wars”) Vs. J.R. Ewing (“Dallas”)
They are both leaders of evil empires. Both are willing to crush any opponent who stands in their way. It’s easy to claim the Force would be enough to take out any opponent (exception of a farm boy from Tatooine), but have you not been paying attention the past few years? Have you not witnessed the power of oil? Have you not seen countries invaded, thousands killed and tyrants made into millionaires? Hokey religions and ancient weapons are no match for a good oil company by your side. Not to mention that J.R. was already killed once and then returned the following season. The battle wouldn’t be fought by them, but by those who work for them. Once armies grew scarce, J.R. would bring in his battalion of politicians who would systematically take out the Empire one by one. The war would be over before the next election, and a Republican would be in charge of the Death Star by the following year.
Winner – J.R. Ewing
9. Cruella de Vil (“101 Dalmatians”) Vs. Amanda Woodward (“Melrose Place”)
They are two of the toughest b*tches around, and both always get what they want. Cruella wants a coat made out of dogs. We feel if “Melrose Place” ran another season, we would have seen Amanda walking around in a flesh jacket with matching shoes. A battle between the two would involve uncontrollable screaming and mass amounts of hair pulling. When that didn’t work, Amanda would pry and discover hidden information about Cruella’s past. Then slip the information to Cruella’s friends and associates. Cruella in return would take a more literal version of “stabbing someone in the back,” and actually stick a eight inch blade into Amanda’s spine. Then she would have her henchmen drag her body out into the woods and lose her security deposit.
Winner – Cruella
8. Major Arnold Toht (“Raiders Of The Lost Ark”) Vs. Gaius Baltar (“Battlestar Galactic”)
These are two of the slimiest characters in media. Neither could achieve villain greatness on their own and seem to have fallen into it by pure accident. The two would enter a battle, then both would chicken out and find others to fight for them. When that didn’t work, they would both meet in hopes for some sort of agreement. At the moment when a truce seemed to be reached and both men seemed to have let down their guard, Toht would then shoot Baltar where he stood. He would be giggling and most likely have a giant erection. Creepy.
Winner – Major Toht
7. Dr. Evil (“Austin Powers”) Vs. Stewie Griffin (“Family Guy”)
These are two bald-headed wannabe rulers of the world. Each has the genius and resources to perfectly plan and defend any attack. It would possibly be the greatest battle since the divorce of Charlie Sheen and Denise Richards. It would cause billions of dollars in damage and leave millions dead. The entire fate of mankind would rest on the outcome of this horrific battle.
Winner – Draw
6. Agent Smith (“Matrix”) Vs. Gabriel Gray/Sylar (“Heroes”)
Your brain. Have you ever thought about what it tastes like? Both of these men have. One loves the smell and can’t wait to eat it, the other feels saturated by it. He can taste the stink and every time he does, he fears that he’s somehow been infected by it. Of course, this is the way they would both feel about each other. Neither would hesitate to eliminate the other. A battle between the two would not last long. Gray would quickly attack Smith’s frontal lobe hoping to clone what abilities he has. Though he wouldn’t be a match for Smith’s speed and desire to get his work done so he could go home. Gray would find himself dead at the bottom of the subway tracks quicker than he could say “save the cheerleader.”
Winner – Agent Smith
5. The Shark (“Jaws”) Vs. Alexis Carrington (“Dynasty”)
This is a battle between two man-eaters. One lives in water, the other lives on a gigantic stack of money. Yhey took a beating from the shark in the movie because they needed a “bigger boat.” Carrington would arrive to the battle with a 50 foot yacht and would be eating shark-fin soup by lunchtime.
Winner – Alexis Carrington
4. Anton Chigurh (“No Country For Old Men”) Vs. Eric Cartman (“South Park”)
Though a battle we’d love to see, the reality is it’s just not fair. Anton’s gift is his ability to get those he’s after to cooperate. Cartman is possibly the least cooperative character on television. What it really boils down to is knowing if a captive air-powered bolt pistol is a match against lightning flying out of someone’s ass. If Eric Cartman could defeat Satan, Chigurh would be easy. Moments after the beginning of the battle, Chigurh’s hair would be on fire and he’d be covered in feces. The horror.
Winner – Cartman
3. Col. Hans Landa (“Inglourious Basterds”) Vs. Col. Wilhelm Klink (“Hogan’s Heroes”)
It’s a Nazipalooza as these two German officers clash in what could be considered one of the most awkward things to watch in a since “Valkyrie.” We’re not going to try to prolong it, we all know who wins. We’d love to say it’s Klink (“We know nuthink.”), but it’s obvious that 10 seconds into the match there would be a P.38 to the forehead.
Winner – Landa
2. Lex Luthor (“Superman”) Vs. Lex Luthor (“Smallville”)
Same villain, different venues. How would a battle between these two pan out? Each has brains, motivation, money and the tools needed to defeat the other. The battle could last for days or weeks at a time. Each man would attempt to top the other. Both would come up short. Over time, we would realize that TV Luthor has one major disadvantage. TV Luthor is a douchebag, and with great douchebagginess come great irresponsibility. Being cocky and over confident, TV Luthor would eventually turn the battle into a major show off event in order to impress a girl. Yes, he would think with his d*ck and lose.
Winner – Movie Luthor
1. Hans Gruber (“Die Hard”) Vs. Benjamin Linus (“Lost”)
This is the fight we have all come here to witness. The best movie villain and the best TV villain finally face off. Each has not hesitated for a moment to kill off those around them to get what they want (the number one spot on this list). There is no one left to do their dirty work. Each is armed with a firearm and grace. Gruber has the advantage of a really nice suit. Each would take the time and effort to explain in great detail why they are going to kill the other. They might even reflect on moments of their life which would help give insight on why they felt such a strong desire to end the other’s life. It would almost seem that they were a perfect match, completely equal in battle… except for one tiny thing. Ben Linus pursues his evil campaigns for no other reason but for personal satisfaction. Hans Gruber does it for money. We all know the power of stone-cold cash.
Winner – Gruber
Score: Movie Villains 7 – TV Villains 4
So, the movie villains win this time. Just wait until next time, when the TV villains will surely stage a comeback! Check out the 10 Most Underrated “Batman” Villains and the 10 Meanest “Spider-Man” Villains And Their Favorite Cupcake Flavors.
Posted by Bill Doty, who loves a good villain.
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