Here’s the scenario: You’ve just been in a 10-car accident (possibly one of these 20 Dumbest Car Accidents), and there’s a four-foot length of fencepost sticking through your chest. You’re losing blood, and you’re fighting for your life. You’ve also got a rare blood type, an allergy to anesthesia, and a mysterious condition that makes you bleed from your eyeballs and pee acid. The odds are stacked against you, and the only things that can save you are the expert skills of some brilliant doctors, and one of the finest hospitals in the country. Oh yeah, and you also live in the world of television– so you’ve only got to choose between four fictional hospitals (Why four? ‘Cause I make the rules around here). Place your life in one of these institutions’ capable hands. But choose wisely, or you could be the one taking the dirt nap in slow-mo to the music of Sarah McLachlan (like these 10 Lamest Rock Star Deaths).
Seattle Grace Hospital — “Grey’s Anatomy”
“Grey’s Anatomy” follows the lives of interns in residency, veteran surgeons, and administrators as they fall in love, fall out of love, laugh, cry, fight, and fall back in love again, at what is, according to the show, one of the foremost hospitals in the US. Oh, and in their spare time they also save lives… sometimes. Let’s face it, Seattle Grace’s track record, from the very beginning of the show, has been spotty at best. This past season, even the characters on the show acknowledged the unusually high mortality rate. In short, patients come to Seattle Grace to die. And it’s all because of the doctors. They burst into their patients’ rooms to argue with each other– you think that doesn’t inhibit their ability to properly diagnose patients? They don’t save their impassioned, “I love you” speeches until after work. Where do they do it? While at the operating table, of course! Then they’re jolted out of their self-absorption by the sound of a flat-line, and before you know it, cue the slow-motion and a sad Rufus Wainwright song, as the characters grieve losing yet another patient. It’s a surprise none of the families of these poor dead folks don’t band together and run riot on this death house like the angry villagers in a Frankenstein movie. Bottom line: even if you come to Seattle Grace with a paper cut, you’re leaving in a body bag.
Princeton-Plainsboro Teaching Hospital — “House”
Ok, so Gregory House is a total maniac. His bedside manner borders on abusive, half the time he’s under the influence, and over the recommended dosage, of painkillers, and he’s a tyrant to both patients and his own staff alike. But if you’ve got blood spilling out of every orifice and you’re “knock-knock-knockin’ on heaven’s door,” he’s your only chance. Watching the show, you’re treated to what amounts to a haunted house for adults. Vomiting blood, eyeballs that burst out of their sockets, exploding genitals—these are the things that keep us up at night. Don’t be scared of the boogeyman– be scared of Necrotizing Fasciitis. Getting sick on “House” almost always involves coughing up blood, or blood pouring out of holes in your body—both pre-existing and newly forming—and then things escalate to the point where all hope seems lost (see, again, exploding genitals). But it’s always darkest before the dawn, because House is on the case! Sure, he’ll talk to you like you’re an idiot, and he’ll run extremely unorthodox, risky, and dangerous tests on you, and dredge up some long-buried secret you’ve been keeping that relates to your illness—but he and his henchmen-like team of doctors will make sure that you’ll survive, and that’s the key word, right? On “House,” when the slow-mo hits, and the Imogen Heap song starts, it’ll be you we see being wheeled out of those hospital doors a little beaten up, and maybe light a few testicles, but alive.
Sacred Heart — “Scrubs”
This one’s kind of a crap shoot. The doctors and interns in “Scrubs” are just as neurotic and self-absorbed as any of the other doctors on TV. However, unlike those other shows, “Scrubs” is a comedy that borders on the totally absurd. So you might end up surviving if you’re character is a fan-favorite, but you also might end up kicking the bucket to serve a punchline or the “dramatic parts” of an episode. So my advice would be to start strong and make a good entrance. Maybe fire off a really great quip. Have your iPhone dial up the instant rimshot to use in case they don’t get the joke right off the bat. And don’t be old. They love to bring out lovable, old people and then kill them off to make for a poignant montage. Also doesn’t hurt if you’ve got a little star power behind you. Well, actually Brendan Fraser guested on a couple episodes and then let slip this mortal coil. Ok, so there are really no hard and fast rules to surviving a visit to Sacred Heart. Of course, after being subjected to all of the characters’ goofy shtick and constant mugging, you might just end up pulling the plug on yourself.
St. Eligius — “St. Elsewhere”
Even more random than “Scrubs” is the beleaguered, decaying St. Eligius Hospital from “St. Elsewhere.” Looking at any regular episode of the show, nothing seems out of the ordinary compared to any other hospital drama—except for the final episode of the series, entitled, “The Last One”, where it’s revealed that the entire series took place inside the mind of an autistic child! WTF?! Your survival is totally dependent on the whims of a mentally handicapped 10 year-old! You could be sitting in a hospital bed with pancreatic cancer and then—POOF!—Now you’ve got antlers! No wait, your bed is made of spaghetti. Annnnd now you’re made of wood and your doctor is a jar of peanut butter. BLEEP BLOP BLOOP BLORP—now you can only speak in 80’s arcade game noises. See what I mean? Naturally, being in any fictional hospital, you’re subject to the machinations of a team of writers, but this is even more random and unstable, like a blind man using a Magic 8-Ball attached to a chainsaw. Really, only choose this one if you’ve got no other option, or you have a serious death wish.
If you want to see a medical drama that’s intentionally funny,check out Children’s Hospital. and the new video game for “Grey’s Anatomy.” You don’t even need to check if they’re covered by your crappy HMO.
Posted by Chris Moreno, who is feeling a little bit under the weather.
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